Take this Bombasticity n shove it up your ...

Vitamin B = Yellow PEE

2005-05-18T23:59:00.000+09:30

I started taking 'Super B Complex' pills in the hopes of combatting my pimples cos I really don't want to end up looking like Freddy Kruger.

My pee is really yellow I mean like u take berocca tablets and dissolve them in water and drink them kinda yellow. And the pee smells like medicine.

Well I guess it just means it's doing something to my body.

Meanwhile the pimples multiply like horny rabbits.

Saw two strange things yesterday.

Saw Chinese Ah-Pek jogging along neighbourhood in his shiny satin boxer shorts on my way to school. Couldn't help smiling to myself as he jogged past. He had this contented smile plastered on his face like 'damn it's good to be able to jog at this age' That kinda face. I kept on trying to make out what patterns were on his boxers. They looked like China gold coins to me. I tried not to look too hard or ah pek might catch me staring. Then he will think he is really something. So old already still can attract female attention.
Bought black elastic fabric head band to keep the hair away from my face so it won't encourage pimples. Before I opened up the packet, I looked into the transparent packaging and found a dead fly nestled nicely between the cloth and the plastic wrapping. Preserved quite well too. It says the item is a product of China. So I guess the fly was shipped over to Australia. So a China fly managed to pass stupid Australian quarantine. Interesting.

Way too tired now. Will add somemore strange sightings soon enough.

Coming up: my pimple face on display as I give my honours presentation.

Take me there!!!!!

2005-05-18T23:43:00.000+09:30

American Cities That Best Fit You:

75% Honolulu

65% Miami

60% Austin

60% San Diego

60% Seattle

Which American Cities Best Fit You?

Boohoo.

2005-05-14T13:29:00.000+09:30

You know the thing about pimples,

No matter how nice you smell, how immaculately coiffed your hair, how neatly pressed your clothes, if you got them pimples brewing on your face...

YOU STILL LOOK DIRTY!

Especially if you got enough oil on your face to power two cities, like me.

I have accepted my fate.

Fate decided to make me a walking oil rig.

Fate also decided that my stubborn skin would develop an immunity to the things that work after some time.

I sent an sms to my mom yesterday and it went:

'Am officially despairing. At rate these pimples are multiplying I am going to be scarred for life. Beloo must have left much rice on his plate when young.'

(For those of you who don't have a clue about the rice, it's an old wive's tale perpetuated by *cough* old wives. *snigger* It goes that if you don't finish your food as a kid and leave many grains of rice lying around your plate, your future boyfriend or girlfriend will have many pimpes. It's just a way to ensure kiddies polish and lick their plates clean la. But well...I've run out of other reasons and explanations for this troublesome skin.)

I tell you, I swear I can literally feel the bacteria going to work on my face sometimes. Hardworking little fuckers they are.

Boohoo.

2005-05-12T15:02:00.000+09:30

Your Political Profile

Overall: 35% Conservative, 65% Liberal

Social Issues: 75% Conservative, 25% Liberal

Personal Responsibility: 0% Conservative, 100% Liberal

Fiscal Issues: 50% Conservative, 50% Liberal

Ethics: 0% Conservative, 100% Liberal

Defense and Crime: 50% Conservative, 50% Liberal

How Liberal / Conservative Are You?

Hahaha.

2005-05-10T14:35:00.000+09:30

Haha...check these out:

THere are like 3 stat counters all over my blog page. Notice em? hehehe...

I am so tickled.

They came about cos I was trying to paste them into the html template and they wouldn't appear when I previewed.

Now I have three... hehehe...funny...

I think I will just keep them around here for awhile longer for shits and giggles.

hehehe.....

hehehe...

I am tea.

2005-05-10T14:18:00.000+09:30

Cor blimey, I taste like Tea.

I am a subtle flavour, quiet and polite, gentle, almost ambient. My presence in crowds will often go unnoticed. Best not to spill me on your clothes though, I can leave a nasty stain. What Flavour Are You?

If I were not tea I would be vanilla.

Not bad...i like tea AND vanilla.

I am Vanilla Flavoured.

I am one of the most popular flavours in the world. Subtle and smooth, I go reasonably with anyone, and rarely do anything to offend. I can be expected to be blending in in society. What Flavour Are You?

hurting but no right to hurt

2005-05-09T03:12:00.000+09:30

If you realise that all you've done in a relationship is take and take, and you realise that nothing you ever do for the rest of your life is going to make up for the goodness that you partner has brought into you life in comparison, what do you do?

What's my blog style?

2005-05-08T16:02:00.000+09:30

Why do we all write blogs?

Issit to:
1) Get attention? Exhibit ourselves?
2) Just to keep up with a new form of the traditional diary?
3) To tell the whole world that we are angry?
4) To contribute our constructive thoughts and reflections to the wonderful public sphere of democracy they call the Internet?

OH gawd...I'm too lazy to finish this....I'll do it in a later post can?

Happy Mudder's Day Ya'll

Relief!

2005-05-06T05:46:00.000+09:30

Honours seminar presentation is over. I am taking the night off to rest.

But rest I can't cos I'm feelin randy.

Damn the land masses between us...Belooo where are u?

I'm a dog that looks like a bat.

2005-05-05T04:32:00.000+09:30

You Are a Boston Terrier Puppy

Aggressive, wild, and rambunctious.
Deep down, you're just a cuddle monster.

What Breed of Puppy Are You?

Erm...am i supposed to be happy with this result?

2005-05-03T20:57:00.000+09:30

Beloo not quite in caveman loin cloth.
Posted by Hello

2005-05-03T20:55:00.000+09:30

Beloo in Sydney at Chinese noodle place. Wong Kar Wai scene anyone?
Posted by Hello

Not a fantastic day...

2005-05-03T19:59:00.000+09:30

How do you tell if you have become a creepy maniacal, computer geek?
.
.
.
When you cry cos you've lost your internet connection.

Yea i kid you not. I did. Last night.

I was doing the usual surfing and the connection got blardy slow. That method of changing the last 2 digits of the ip address didnt work, which my friend told me would deter fuckers from stealing my house's wireless internet bandwidth, so my fingers got itchy and i thought i would be smart and fix this problem once and for all. i would encrypt the muthafucker wireless connection.

but being me, the impulsive obsessive person, i went clicking really quickly through the wireless router configuration page, and chose static IP address instead of PPPoE. Now they device said it was restarting but then i never got connected. so i started panicking.

if i did not get this thing sorted i would never be able to talk to beloo online, or chat with friends. then i panicked even more. no tv leh in this mental institution of a house. HOW!!!

i started looking for all the documents that iprimus, my internet service provider had sent to me, i tried going back to the configuration page but i couldnt access it this time!

i tried knocking on chinaboy's door to retrieve my lan cable back from him temporarily so i could at least access the configuration page via the lan cable's connection to the wireless router. but stupid idiot was sleeping. ok la it was 3 something am. i heard him stirring but he never got to the door. aiya never answer door also nevermind la..scarly he answer door half naked i think i will vomit blood. not everyone's body as nice as beloo's. he walk around in caveman loin cloth also i happy.

anyway...the events left me extremely frustrated and mad at myself. why the blardy hell must act so smart ah! see la! tomorrow they got no internet they will come complaining to you also!

i cried.

but not for long. suddenly i settled into this sense of calm and surrender. too bad. no internet, what to do? wait till tomorrow lor.

i didn't sleep well.

Fast forward to this morning...

woke up to the familiar sounds of the fuckin tap in the bathroom next to my room screeching. ok chinaboy is up already and washing his face with tap on at full blast. so i got up (it's amazing how you can wake up when you have something obligatory to do the next morning, otherwise the alarm clock will be ignored a couple of times) asked him for his lan cable and got myself hooked up to the internet. won't bore with the details, suffice to say that:

3 telephone calls to D-Link australia to enquire about wireless router, 2 calls to iprimus, and having to say PPPoE many times later...

IT STILL DIDNT WORK.

I was at my nerve's end already, especially when I hadn't gotten very good sleep the night before. And what's more, my appointment with the university counsellor was about half an hour away.

I went to the wireless router and did what the first D-link technician had told me to do at first but which hadn't appeared to work. I went to the pin-hole at the back of the wireless router, poked my hair pin in and waited longer than 10 seconds. The lights went off, then started flashing on one by one. I went into the room and LO AND BEHOLD (or ho and below..heehee)! MSN messenger worked!

I think the first try I never press the router's love button long enough. I think i shall now refer to my wireless router as a 'she'.

Whoopee!!! And guess what the configuration page assigns a dynamic ip address leh, not PPPo-fucking-E as it says it should for ADSL connections. na beh.

Wah re-set buttons are wonderful man.

And i dare not touch the configurations anymore.

Mel likes it...

2005-05-02T01:55:00.000+09:30

I've taken quite a break from my posts after this whole panic cum depressed episode. Still gonna keep my appointment with the counsellor on Tuesday but since then have gotten lots better. Am happier.

Firstly cos Mel likes what I have done with the film so far, or maybe she was being very encouraging in case i go ballistic over any criticism and try to drown myself in the muddy chinese garden pond in uni.

But she did reprimand me lightly for referring to a particular shot as a pan when it was a tilt. hehe...im still so 'screen production one'.

But then she said she wants to sit with me next week for 2 hours (usual consult is only about 1) and tighten up the narrative a lot more. Then I got to thinking, does she think I am incapable of handling the rest of the editing on my own thats why she does this? is she spoon feeding me too much? gosh. she's not doing this with the other 2 (honours students) is she? What does that say about me? not a good editor? oh dear.

But then dear Warren said i should at least be happy that she knows of my problems n is concerned enough to help me out in case my whole project falls apart. rather than leave me to deteriorate n wallow in my misery.

but then i wonder if shes helping cos she knows im in or was in a bad state and wants to prevent my downslide, or she generally thinks im not a very good editor n wont be able to get my act together without quite a bit of help from her, meaning that creatively i need help. does this mean i am not as capable as the other 2? i dont want to be competitive and i dun think i am being so, but i am a negative person and i usually take comments for the worse at first. i dont think i am better than any of the other 2. i think there is no need to compare. i think it is quite impossible to compare as well as we are all working on vastly different projects. but to have to be helped along like this, does it mean she doesnt trust me to edit a good film eventually? i know i did all this experimenting and messing up the narrative and it was a disaster in between, but i knew in my heart that it wouldnt work prob cos i did not put enough into as well (warren was visiting n i had done last minute work) so it was a half hearted edit.

im glad for a lot of her comments. its helped me see things from a fresh perspective where i have looked at my piece so many times my ideas are stale and ive got a weary perspective. but out of pride i guess, i jus wish i had done something totally unexpected and she had loved it, without having to help me hugely or give me big big suggestions. so far i must say ive kept to my original storyline mostly except for her very good comment that i should shift the breakfast scene to the front cos the watching adverts scene wasnt strong enough to hold on its own. i dont want to refute all her ideas out of pride n insist on doing my own shit before realising she was right in the first place, like on some instances over the advice she gave on 'merm i am', my advance screen project.

so im working on, if i agree with her idea, i'll stick to it. she is after all the one with all the experience. she is after all supplementing my original ideas so the film is still mine. i guess its jus a matter of pride. like i want to know that i have idependently achieved this stroke of editing genius without her to help me out all the way. but i guess wat good is a supervisor for then?

lemme know wat ya all think if u come across this blog. and to the 2 other honours students, please dont be offended by my remark at all. im not being competitive with u two u know im not that sort. would u guys feel the same too if mel wanted to help u out this much? would u feel grateful but worried for the reflection of ur capabilities by her extra tutelage?

From my film - Story of Hong

2005-05-01T15:19:00.000+09:30

Wanton's lil sis eats porridge.Doesn't this remind u of our school days!
Posted by Hello
Image is from my film and subject to copyright. In the words of damn kiasu unce at notice board "Dun anyhow take ppl's one ah! You must bring your own!"

Stupid uncle at the school notice board...

2005-04-27T19:20:00.000+09:30

Wah lan kiasu chinese bastards are everywhere u know.

Just now I was looking for places to put up my advertisements for the wireless adaptor in uni, i noticed this freaky old man in pink shirt loitering around the notice boards.

When I got to the notice board he was at, he was talking to two asian girls la. I saw one small notice for rental of house it was like the size of my hand. There were three tacks suppoting it 2 at the top corners n one in at the bottom. I took the bottom one. The uncle came and approach me,

"Eh dont anyhow take people's pins you must use your own."

Then I said "Your notice already has 2 supporting it."

He jus went on to say i must bring my own la, yada yada, then he said "nevermind i forgive you"
and turned to the girls again.

Fed up with this old man's odesity, i said "Look the uni provides tacks on the boards for students to use, and we just use whatever is there nobody brings their own. And anyway yours already has 2 pins supporting it."

Then he said "you must bring your own i bring my own."

THen I realised it was his own. What the hell man. What on earth is he trying to achieve here? Is he going to watch his notice the whole time and guard the fuckin pins with his life?

Everybody here picks any pins from the board themselves. I mean im sorry la if i used his pin. But he's a real calculative kiasu bastard that means.

Now i dunno scarly he go n tear down all my notices. Revengeful ol bastard. Den how?

Later i go check. wah this paranoia is making me weird.

I'm going to see a counsellor next week.

2005-04-27T01:50:00.000+09:30

Have broken down n sunk pretty damn low this week. All to do with the loneliness n the everyday pressure that I face keeping my part of the house together. I could just be unfair n let Mira or Alan buy toilet roll to replenish, or I could buy myself. but seeing as i am pretty fuckin low on cash right now i tend to get fuckin anal about buying n not charging others. as it is i already forked out my own money to buy the toilet flush fragrance n the washing detergent for dishes when nobody else cared. But i feel china boy needs to be taught some responsibility so i've been hounding him for a couple of days now to get the toilet paper. its all this shit that makes me so stressed i think. i dun want to keep reminding ppl i am becoming obsessive like the landlady. but i dun think its fair when korean girl or me clean the toilet nicely n someone's shit splashes on the toilet rim. these ppl should be taught a fuckin lesson man. i am a fuckin justice avenger n its making me depressed.

yesterday n 2 days before plus the day in btwn i cried...and i sobbed not knowing wat to do with me life. how to combat this loneliness n pressure n jus settle down knowing how exactly to tackle my work. its been 8 fuckin weeks into the semester n still i dont have a clue. if not for the extension i would be up to the peak of my head in shit.

boyfriend cant be here for me all the time. sobbing to him is jus weakness n self pity. he has his studies. i tire him out. i dun think many ppl understand why im like that. altho a friend said today when she came into the house that she cant live in my house. its too STERILE. yes sterile is the word. what if say i go mad n kill someone in this house? i feel like a ticking bomb.

sunday i take my lan cable back from china boy irregardless of whether the fucker has got his own or not, or whether i sell my wireless adaptor. i seriously dun give a shit. he thinks he can jus use mine till kingdom come. internet i have taken care of all for them fucks. it doesnt pay to be responsible in this house. landlady goes n gets 2 fucking boys who dont make noise so they r good for her fuckin daughter but not for me. who gets to worry about the toilet? me. she doesnt inspect. its not her part of the house to worry about, or her daughter's. fuck that man.

next monday i get to see a counsellor. sch counsellor. apparently there are other loonies in the uni cos its fully booked this time of year when exams r drawing near.

friend remarked today that im breaking out. hell yea i am. great big angry red pustules of resent showing on my face.

watched the O.C. with friends jus now. dont understand the lousy show. should be called 'too rich for their own good'. all these fuckwits on the show with so much money they create their own small problems n screw each other around, figuratively n literally. and the american accent...gawd...shudder. why r ppl so damn hooked on this shit?

tomorrow i think i will wear my overalls n look cute in sch. it is my pitiful week. i hope ppl pat me on the head or give me little hugs. it is pathetic but i welcome it.

i hope supervisor understands when i tell her i hv depression problems n am going to see counsellor. should have found a job. 2 problems solved: no worries at home or loneliness n no money woes. too late now.

going to sleep early now. wake up early too before everyone else n face the day. no more late nites doing nothing n waking up half the day gone. want to see the sun. want to know i hv a head start to the day than everyone else. want to know warren is awake when i am. him going to sleep n me remaining awake is one of the loneliest things ever.

Coffee coffeee

2005-04-21T19:51:00.000+09:30

You Are a Peppermint Cappuccino

You're fun, outgoing, and you love to try anything new.

However, you tend to have strong opinions on what you like.

You are a total girly girly at heart - and prefer your coffee with good conversation.

You're the type that seems complex to outsiders, but in reality, you are easy to please

What Kind Of Coffee Are You? Take This Quiz :-)

Find the Love of Your Life
(and More Love Quizzes) at Your New Romance.

I think this is quite accurate lor

u die procrastination monster

2005-04-21T19:28:00.000+09:30

You are a Classic Vampire.

Which Famous Vampire are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

AAAHHHHH!!!!!!

2005-04-21T19:20:00.000+09:30

Procrastination MONSTER...It is COMING TO GET MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

Resolve...

2005-04-21T15:17:00.000+09:30

From today, I refer to any setback no matter how big or small, not as a 'Problem', but as a

CHALLENGE.

Night-times..

2005-04-21T04:12:00.000+09:30

You are in the quiet realm of my thoughts. No rephrase that..you are in the quiet realm of my room...but my thoughts aren't quiet, nor are they calm. They are...more on that later...let's tackle the exterior.

Room is still, silent, hum of computer. Hum is comforting, reassuring... steady companion. Glaring fluorescent tube. Outside, pitch dark slumbering neighbourhood. Inside, bright as day...cold white light..keeps me awake. Crickets outside my window..a ceaseless cry. Some nights deafening..not so tonite.

Slurp on my supper. Noodles splash everywhere. Curse and swear. Break out in sweat. Tom Yam is powerful shit.

Clickety-tap on little keyboard...almost therapeutic. Surf, mouse click.

Worry...

House creaks and expands, contracts, expands, settles down.

Worry...

Thoughts are like undercurrents. I appear calm, I am expressionless. I am alone.

Love is on the Eastern side of this continent. Messenger is a false comfort. Open window, friends away, friends busy, friends...are some really friends? Everyone sleeps, everyone keeps.

Questions I ask: What happens tomorrow? Will I every fulfill my dream? Is this film going to work? Do my friends like me? Am I a bad girlfriend? Who am I? How can I feel at ease with myself? Am I sleepy?

No.

Am I procrastinating? Fuck yes.

Would it help to worry? No.

Worry...

Notes and scribbles. articles and academia in a messy pile under my pretty red table. Cosmopolitan magazine decorates its peak. Have to approach this pile soon.

Look up at my post it - 70 days more...should update to 69 days. Time is running out. What did I achieve today? Hardly anything. A fraction of my plans.

The mind is willing but the flesh is weak.

Go to sleep? Do work? Work sleep work sleep work sleep work sleep.

Take bath first. Refresh. Feel dirty after going to toilet. Fuckin Malaysian and China boys. Consider work after.

This is my night.

Good night
or good morning.

Nerd party!

2005-04-16T11:47:00.000+09:30

First time I ever drank in ages...I mean the drink until puke kind. But then I have such a low tolerance for alcohol I puke after 2 to 3 glasses of beer. Does the fact that I hate the fuckin taste of it contribute? Well ah 'spose so!

Anyways, it was fun! Lettin' go, losing myself in the fun. Seriously the games we played were not entirely fun..for people NOT under the influence of alcohol I mean. Stuff like spin the bottle, drinking games. Gawd I had to go to the toilet and puke once but without the notice of my discerning drunk friends haha. THey know I get sick all the time anyway. THey love to call out "I feel sick! I feel sick!" Cos I think I managed to gasp that on one other drinking occasion before I spewed. See thing is, I have never been drunk to the extent I cannot control my actions. Extremely tipsy is what I'd be. BUt I'd still know and remember what I had said the previous at night before. Now the reason for this is because I'd start puking long before that point. And then I'd stop drinking cos I'd feel so goddam sick.

I HATE ALCOHOL.

But last night was good despite the feeling sick. Met a few new friends, got to know acquaintances better. Theme was N-E-R-D. And I've never seen so much creativity with nerd clothes man! It was a riot! I came in overalls and a shirt with the word NERD painted on in red. Apparently that wasnt nerd enough so I put on my overalls and strapped them up tight so they went up and above my waist. "No need to go toilet already" I told my friend, indicating that the crotch of the overalls were hiking so high up they would stopper my pee!

Party went decently. Except we played twister and this malaysian girl bit my butt. Then kissed fellow Singaporean female friend. Photos were taken. Ack!

2 Aussie blokes at the party. Well behaved boys. Dude! I says to one of em (Who looks a little like Mark Walberg actually), I don't think nerds wear their boxers on the outside. Alcohol was wonderful cos I was just yapping away, making ppl laugh, striking funny poses, etc etc. I love myself tipsy. People say I'm cute. Then I spew n they get reminded of the exorcist.

Speaking of spew, one of my friends puked nicely into a bowl back at the flat. The smell was horrendous. ONe of the smelliest pukes I've smelled in a long time. Here's where u decide if you really wanna read on:

I believe her puke struck the bowl with such force it cavorted right out n landed on the carpet. Yea sorta leaped out ya know...escaping from its own stench probably. Soon the stench filled the room and some of us had to escape to the other end of the corridor.

A few of us rubbed chinese medicated oil below our noses to cope with the smell, including Marky Mark. Dude! (Dude is coming back into vocabulary-vogue me thinks) I says, I don't think you're supposed to rub the oil all over ya face. You're not doing a facial you know.

Party ended on a quiet note. One passed out (blue-cheese one...bad smell..eeww), 2 went to sleep, rest of us hung around then went home.

I got home, had a headache, puked a littlemore, then went to sleep. One of the rare few times that I've slept with the lights totally off. Head too pain to bother about things lurking in my closet.

I love pimples...

2005-04-15T03:44:00.000+09:30

Mmm...let me stroke thee...oh pink and succulent things..thy rounded fullness is voluptous with so much promise.

Let us forever celebrate our union...you and me against a tide of others' good skin. They shall naught endure the infinity of trust and companionship we build on this foundation of oiliness and clogged pores.

I love thee pimples.

(Sshhh...dun say...I hope they will become commitment phobic and go away)

Bacon Boiineesss....Mmmmm...Delicioussss Mate

2005-04-12T20:59:00.000+09:30

Yay they are selling bacon bones again. A girl's best friend. Well, this girl's best friend. The other best friend gone back to Singapore. Charmu, Charmu, do you feel me sista?
YErnyways, I took a trip down to the nearby Supermarket today after waking up at a what-the-hell-do-i-do-with-the-rest-of-my-day-time of 3.50 pm. YA COS I WAS READING OTHER PPL'S BLOG WHOLE NITE, and err...WHOLE MORNING!
Damn hungry and damn sian, I headed first to the hairdresser to check out their 'bargain table'. See, I saw these hair products in a magazine and wanted to get some sea mist smelling sea thing...I also dunno wat it's called lah. So I coyly look look on the counter items first, then this orrr-si (In Cantonese it means: to shit) come out of the shop and ask in their high pitch ah lian intonation:

Haiiii...Can I help you there???? (Sometimes there's an additional 'darl' or other shit.)

THen I say I want something to leave in my hair so that it SHINES! And I mentioned this product I saw in the magazine which leaves a ....err....(I was floundering for the description)...sea scent...(that came out a little weird din it)

So miss congeniality looked a little puzzled but when went inside and asked the other beauty contestant what to recommend. It din really matter what the lady was trying to recommend to me (boy she really knows her stuff), cos I saw the one I was looking for! The sea mist thing..yea and it has an awesome coconut fragrance and it creates that sorta wind-blown, messed up from swimming at the beach sorta hair...I like! Now I can have messy,chunky hippy hair like Sienna Miller. Only my hair is short...n not blond...and...*sigh*
It was $18.95. Not so cheap no?

Anyway I came home from groceries and opened a can of pink salmon preserved in brine, then ate it straight from the can with a cup of Brownes coffee milk.

THEN I GOT STURMACK ACHE.

THEN I GO PANGSAI.

Goddamn CHINABOY is back. I realised that everyone in this house has had their turn to supply toilet paper to the toilet..all except him. Everyday he come home talk on phone and watch vcds in the dark on his laptop. And anyhow shit in the toilet bowl just after someone has cleaned it. And masturbate to Teresa Teng. (OK dat one is not a verified fact. Don't quote me on that)

I need motivation to edit my film. I need a scary mother who will watch over my shoulder and hit my hand with rotan if I read ppl's blogs instead. HAHA. Then again...maybe not.

I shall boil my bacon bone soup so the desire to taste its salty goodness will keep me awake. Then I will edit n edit n drink n drink.

THis better work or I will need to hire a 'mom'.

I am...Apocalypse NOW!

2005-04-12T05:09:00.000+09:30

What Classic Movie Are You?
personality tests by similarminds.com

Wow look at me. I am a show I haven't seen. Gotta catch it. Then can psychoanalyse myself or some shit. HEee heee

The Big book of Singapore studies...

2005-04-11T20:03:00.000+09:30

The last 3 days have been spent leafing through, reading, digesting, scanning and copying from, getting distracted from, the big book of 'Singapore'. It's a wonderful piece of treasure I must say. Heaps of help for my thesis. Unfortunately, this treasure is no longer with me for someone else has requested it from the library. So these last 3 days I have had to extract whatever I can out of the book and dutifully pass it to the lib, to the person who I am really starting to resent.

And all this photocopying, gawd. I think I topped up my photocopy account with $3 and it was maxed out. But that's not the bad part. The bad part(s) were having to endure the squeaky gears of the blardy photocopier, paper getting jammed, mixing up pages and photocopying doubles, and aligning the book wrongly so either the top or bottom part got chopped off. But the smell....wah lau the smell...I felt sick after that. It was the smell of the warmth emanating from the machine, plus the smell of paper, ink...yucks. And I felt like I was getting some radiation from the thing.

But well, the job is done. Now my head is swimming with debates on 'Asian Values', PAP, Conservatism, Authoritarianism,...bla bla.

A few salient observations/points I noted and which have helped me think more clearly about my thesis:

Individualism is not necessarily a bad thing. The Singapore government does not condone this because, to put it simply : Singaporeans will become selfish like the ang mohs. THey will stop caring for their families, they will seek to pursue only their own wants and needs. Basically we will deteriorate into a society in which crime is rampant, divorce rates are high, and people sleep around wantonly. An oversimplified and exagerrated picture would be to think Jerry Springer. Now multiply that to the whole nation. The Government stresses instead respect for elders, putting society and nation before oneself, etc and says it all boils down to Asian Values. Communitarianism. A commitment to society and the community. That is what propels our economy ahead when Western ones are slowing down, and that is what maintains order in society. This gets me to thinking: If communitarianism is about the commitment to society does it not clash with Meritocracy? OK let's think about a Western society as opposed to Singapore.
I find white people generally much more friendly, open to conversation with a stranger, polite, courteous (let's not talk about the slums and ghettos in western societies - Singapore is NOT a slum. It is comprised mostly of the middle class.) , and generally more willing to help.

Take this analogy into consideration. My mom having worked in Scotland shortly before, said if someone were to jump queue at say, a supermarket, someone would speak up for the person who's turn was just rudely taken. Like, "Hey she was here first, get in the back." This would never, or scarcely happen in Singapore. Of course you could say the person is also speaking up for themselves as they are in the same queue and are affected as well. But I imagine the ones who are Singaporean and not in a hurry wouldn't even bother to say anything. Same as giving seats up to the elderly or pregnant on an MRT. Most middle class Westerners would jump off their backsides. Singaporeans just pretend to text their mobiles or sleep. So here's the difference. If whites are individualistic and liberal and their idea of morality boils down mainly to a court settlement over who was wrong or right (think Judge Judy perhaps), where in all other cases, anything goes, then why are Singaporeans so unwilling to consider the plight of others, to give just a little bit (see offering seat example), to smile at someone instead of looking away and avoiding eye contact, to choose not to speak up on someone's behalf?

Of course you could say look at the big picture: Singaporeans are impolite, apathetic, and the lot. But hardly anyone kills. There is hardly any crime. The streets are clean. But then are they doing all this out of their own will or because they care for society and wish to preserve the cleanliness and the lives of others. We will never really know, because we've got so darn many fines we don't dare to do anything. Spitting chewing gum on the floor and pasting it onto bus seats - the government banned all chewing gum. Can one say we're necessarily clean people because of that? There is no way of determining however, whether its us, or Western society that posseses more 'good'. Each has its own merits. How do you define a selfish Singaporean compared to the Westerner who sued Mcdonald's for the hot coffee that he spilt on himself/herself? (A friend helped me realise that) But then another friend said that's because Americans are liberalised and have the right to speak up over their needs or wants, however unreasonable they may be. Singaporeans don't speak up because there will be adverse consequences if they do, plus the fact that they will be labelled selfish and not thinking of the larger community. So does that imply Singaporeans have the tendency to be just as unreasonable and irresponsible in their demands? It's just that we don't have the grounds to voice them? Or does taking away those rights mean we become more considerate to the community by not speaking up?

Here's something to think about:
An article I read in the BIG BOOK(!) suggested that severe penalties for opposing the government's policies means that middle class professionals- generally more cosmopolitan in their thinking and open to debate- start to withdraw into their private spheres/domains for fear that the benefits of the sound economy will be lost to them. These benefits are of course material. With no other way of pleasing themselves with alternative forms of expression such as free speech, pornography (?) etc., they become obsessed with gratifying themselves through material obsessions such as cars, condominiums, credit cards, country clubs (all 5? yea they're all there). Now this in turn feeds the capitalist economy (that the government continuously stresses to citizens to contribute to) because they are working hard, earning money and spending it. In other words, their FREEDOM, is in choosing whatever they want to purchase that is in their spending power. They are good citizens because they are not stirring shit, but are they necessarily doing it for the good of the community or themselves? And because meritocracy is practiced, they understand that their hard work will be duly rewarded with material gains, which they can use to parade their status. Does that make them more generous citizens? No it just means most become materialistic bastards with no heart. (Hawkers work hard and earn good money because Singaporeans eat round the blardy clock. They can afford mercedes' too. Now I am not saying most of the complaints about inconsiderate Mercedes owners comes from Hawkers. All I am saying is meritocracy breeds people who work hard just for themselves, and their immediate families.) So the middle class who has more capability to speak up for themselves and the welfare of others starts to lose interest in what they cannot voice out. And in time they learn to mind their own business. That is where the Kiasu mentality comes about- I must help myself and my family first. Helping someone else means I have wasted time and effort when those should be invested in myself and my family. Otherwise I will not be rewarded.

Now this is where I speculate, but I would think this sort of mentality gets transmitted onto the other classes. Namely the less affluent working class. As long as I am not directly affected by something, I will not bother with how others may be worse off than I am.

WOW...that's a lot to write. But at least now it makes more sense that I have chosen to organise my thoughts.

2005-04-10T19:15:00.000+09:30

Thick book of Singapore

Kiasu means if you're not one up, you're one down.

2005-04-10T13:53:00.000+09:30

As an afterthought: Kiasu means if you're not one up, you're one down. Kiasu is not a healthy over-confidence, to the point of arrogance in Western culture. It is a lack of confidence, a fear of not being able to keep up with the competitiveness in society, stemming from the inability to justify one's own existence except by conformism to the dominant values and practices in society. With regards to material items, it means as soon there is a demand for something in society, there is the mentality that 'If I don't get my hands on this thing others will, and get ahead of me. I am then not conforming and keeping up with those around me.'

Anticipating the return of Curly is like waiting for the end of the world...

2005-04-10T13:07:00.000+09:30

This morning I heard all these sounds outside my room as I was being unproductive at my computer (what's new?) Suddenly I had this scary thought, what if the authoritarian landlady is back? Shits, me thinks...it's the end of the world! 'Curly' as one of my friends labels her for that disgusting overgrown mop of hair on her head is not back, as I take my half filled cup of water into the living room for more water as a pathetic excuse to investigate. No it's some strange indian man speaking to her advocate-of-China daughter. At first I think it's some guy from the real estate, then I realise...He's her TUITION TEACHER! Hot dang, a tuition teacher ( I think it's for Maths), in laid back Down Under! And just for college year 12 Mathematics! Now I'd say I have the credibilty to judge her on this because a friend saw her syllabus and told me their stuff is really simple compared to JC maths. Now I think she has a problem. First because she has no damn back bone her life revolves around her Curly mom. They eat, sleep, watch VCDs, might as well bathe together. Secondly, she's a damn smart alec who cannot keep her own house clean. Ya I know, she's just a college kid. But she must show this bitchy face like Oh Woe is ME! when my soap suds spill out of the washing machine. LIke she doesn't wash her rice into the sink, and leave someone to clear it out. Don't get me started on the towels she leaves on the counter unwashed so they stink like hell.
I actually applaud her for being a wonderfully well read teenager from 'that' Island. I think she's got an astounding knowledge of politics. I think it's fantastic that she's not a brain dead, 'chao mugger' (maybe she is, cos she go and hire the Indian tutition man), handphone obsessed, Jap dressing piece of shit from the heartland. However! She behaves like she was still linked to her mother's womb when the mom is around. And when the mother is not, she studies 24 hours. You should be doing something with all this knowledge. Go out there, go to seminars held in University, have discussions with friends, you can't keep all this information to yourself. I would like to engage in one with her but my knowledge is shamefully lacking, although I've slowly been building up to justify my comment for my thesis and film. I have this fear that she would nicely put me in my place. Kiasu right? I have to stop this thinking. Another problem is I can't seem to engage in conversations with the mom without her interrupting me all the time and putting her point across so strongly. These people don't discuss things to exchange ideas, these people discuss things to brainwash! So I suspect she'll be likely to do the same. See, I don't have all this powerful knowledge, but I can be critical. But what good is a critical mind when you look like you don't know anything? Come to think of it I am pretty pathetic myself. I am the Honours student and she is the College one. I am really a caricature of the loser teenager from 'that' island who doesn't know anything else beyond his/her own field (mine being film). Can't really blame her for the way she is. She's got a mom who types literature notes for her on the laptop. My mommy never did that. I was left to my own devices, and still scored good stuff on it. She's smart and has lots of potential, but she's still a mugging mugger and best thing is she'll probably grow up to be as suspicious and calculative of others as her mom is. Mom who has to come looking for me when one of her precious 10 dollar chairs goes missing in the morning. What astounds me is..if she came here cos she could not take the stress in Singapore, why have tuition and all? And eating, sleeping and studying? It's the same pattern she would keep if she were in Singapore! The difference is, it's dead quiet here all the time. 'Other girl' is fantastic. She has friends, she keeps the place clean without double standards, she's incredibly pleasant, she works, and curly tells me she's damn smart. The thing is, you don't take your daughter out of Singapore and complain about the stressful environment there, only to repeat the same mugging lifestyle here and impress this upon the other flatmates in the house. The fact that I have to tiptoe around this blardy house so daughter gets her peace and quiet to study is already driving me near breaking point. The vet students are incredibly smart, they have a healthy social life, and sometimes they are the ones who disturb the peace and quiet. Does that mean they're genuinely smart?

(Being the ever cautious 'that' island-er, I have decided to censor some of my more potent rants just in case Curly ever gets her eyeballs on this through some obscure search on the Internet. That'll be Armageddon eh, Free Speech I say!)

Mole in a hole with music accompaniment by the likes of John Mayer, Frou Frou, Garden State OST, Norah Jones...

2005-04-08T20:07:00.000+09:30

Thought I'd never come back to this. I've been famously known to disappear and not come back. Perfect example would be the time I was in kindergarten and on the telephone with my best friend. Of cos I was not exactly best friend material for I would put her on hold to use the toilet and then NEVER COME BACK! Then half an hour later mummy would wonder why the phone was off the hook. Meanwhile I would be slouched in front of the tv or drawing. Best thing was...she would still be on the phone!

Once my ex flatmate (a very pretty girl I must say...why are the children of mixed races so damn gorgeous? You don't exactly get that kind of exotic mix in dogs do you? Soon I'll be nothing but a mongoloid (read: plain dull features) pure Chinese in a sea of mixed exotic=erotic? faces and bodies. ) Oh I can almost see all the past female flatmates trying madly to decipher if they are the ones being referred to. Haha. Such a sad image conscious world we live in. Anyway I digress. She said that happy people are usually those who are surrounded by friends who take on their burdens and take care of them. And I agree with her. I think right from the time I was in kindergarten, I exuded this couldn't care less attitude, I was the life of conversations. I was the clown of the class. But I was also the kind of person who never returned people's stuff to them on time, who spilt a drink on their precious book, who happily took without giving back. But I was liked, because maybe I gave the responsible people who always gave something to lose themselves in. I made them laugh, they had fun with me. In a lot of ways I've changed. But in my reflections on what a monster I could have been back then, I think I've become so critical and discerning of the right and proper behaviour that I've lost some of that 'fun'. I still joke and I can be downright cynically funny when I'm in a bitchy mood, but I think in trying to ensure I don't take advantage of people I scan and scrutinise even the slightest of my behaviour. Then it becomes a post mortem of what I said or did with this new person today, whether oh my gosh I could have said something to offend him or her, what would they think of me, blablabla...I wish I would stop this.

Am I so polite I don't know how to carry on a casual conversation I've just met, am I not cool enough cos I don't smoke weed, take happy pills, club enough, lose myself in the moment, like some of the other media people do? Am I cold? I still think I am cool, but sometimes someone comes along to shake all that confidence. I mean, 22 coming on 23 years of age. I'm still afraid I'm not COOL? WAT THE F-U-C-K?! But seriously, and even as I write this. There is a reason I have chosen to publish a BLOG on the web. One, because all my anal retentiveness will cause me to explode one day if I can't express them enough, two, so that I'll get into the swing of writing again, and three I am not happy to admit but nevertheless...I want people to read and be entertained by my rants. If this shit was just in my head, the language might not be so flowery, humorous, whatever. This is about appealing to someone else, perhaps someone I have not even known, maybe that someone there will think that despite my neuroticities, the things I write about and the way I write them make me cool! Who am i kidding...but well if you think I'm cool then god bless you!

I used to raise my hand all the time in class, not cos I wanted to act like I was smart like some bombastic idiots I know here, but cos I was EAGER to contribute. I had all these ideas sloshing about in my head, about to spill over. Now even wanting to contribute and remembering that there are WHITES more articulate whites(!), in my class makes my cheeks hot. What if I end up stuttering and not getting my point across?

Anyway, whatever other people think, I'm ever so grateful for my posse of friends in Singapore. The Mandes (Mahn-deys) we are called. It's nothing high school or nothing cool, for goodness sake Mande means 'Head' in tamil. Jus some silly mistake which someone made which led to a private joke which led to this name which stuck. These are the girls who have accepted me for who I am, who know I am this really funny, absent minded person who manages to come up with the wittiest sarcastic remarks whenever, wherever. I am not like this in Perth, except with one or two quick witted indian friends. Otherwise, I'm a clam in a shell, a mole in a hole. Not much fun to talk to. How weird it is I'm like a chameleon. I adapt to that kind of environment...if I think someone doesn't think much of me, I'm not cool or whatever, I become a mouse around them. BUt I really hold my head up high around these girls of mine. It's almost like sex and the city. They're not gonna judge me. When one of us has a problem, every one of them, even as different as we all are, have advice and comments that mean something. I think it's taken me one friend's relationship problem to realise and act on this. I mean, this girl has been the only one truly appreciative of my jokes and sardonic sense, since we were partners in Secondary school. And despite my wanting to separate from the group on some occasions because I have felt unattractive in comparison to them, and going to a club together where superficial members of the opposite sex hang out, isn't going to help it much-she has always called me back to go on outings with them. If it were me, hell I would be like : fuck it, she doesnt want to hang with us, let her be. See this is where I still take but don't give in my own small way I guess.

I miss them. Especially since I have no blardy social life here, cooped up in this mole hole.

I love you guys.

2005-04-06T07:10:00.000+09:30

Call the pussy....Cat

burp be right back

2005-04-06T00:13:00.000+09:30

Got to update my firefox server, in which case his (why not she?) firefox-ness has asked me to exit all firefox windows. Hopefully I come back...if my scatterbrain and procrastination permit me to...